Archive for May, 2015

It’s too easy, really, getting my material from Linda Hatch. I don’t know if she’s clueless or venomous, but everything she writes is ill-conceived from a partner standpoint. It would be laughable if it didn’t cause such harm. I guess I’ll never cease to be amazed by the recovering sex addict CSATs out there who continue to write and say things that are damaging to partners. But again, most of them are sex addicts themselves, so why am I ever surprised?

A recent posting of Hatch’s, 5 Ways Sex Addiction Recovery Can Get Derailed, prompted some partner advocates to respond, but she wouldn’t allow most of our comments. She even removed one of her own after being checked for lashing out in typical SA fashion. She could have let the comment stand and apologized for it, but better to pretend it never happened. Like a certain group of people we know, she seems very concerned with image management.

The article starts out with an overview of discovery–the kinds of vile behaviors SA’s are famous for getting busted for, along with a description of how things usually happen next: “upheaval” of the relationship, finding help for the addict, his various means of attempting recovery–individual therapy, couples therapy, inpatient intensives, outpatient intensives…Cha-ching.

After that comes this passage, divulging the hard and likely truth of relapse, while minimizing how profoundly wrong and disturbing it is:

At some point the addict felt that he or she had seen the light and was able to refrain from the compulsive behavior for a period of months or years. Then seemingly out of the blue, the addict starts secretly acting out again. Often it is the same old behavior but sometimes it includes different behaviors as well. Both partners are dismayed and the trauma begins all over again. Something didn’t quite work, but what?

So much is wrong with that paragraph, where to begin? At what point, for instance, did he “see the light,” and what, exactly is the light? Did he see it when he realized the amount of money he stood to lose in a divorce? Was “the light” the idea of his friends finding out he likes to wear leather panties and meet men in the Home Depot parking lot? Or was it the possibility of his boss being directed to his computer history at work, where all the donkey love and ass porn links still sit in the cookies?  OK, he sees whatever his particular light is at whatever his particular point is and tries to be a good boy for a while. OR, more probably after decades of increasingly disturbing activities, he hides it better.

“Then seemingly out of the blue,” he starts visiting Wawa Asian Spa on the sly. Oh, and he might even add some new extracurriculars–like “not just petting” the family dog. (I am not making this stuff up; women tell me things.) It’s like Tinkersex floated out of the sky, waved her magic dildo, and he was under a spell. Gah, both partners are dismayed. I’m dismayed when my dog eats my glasses. When I find out that, after everything he’s already put me through, my husband has been faking recovery and exposing me to genital warts or worse, I’m not that word.

“Something didn’t quite work, but what?” Hmmm, let me see. The SEX ADDICT didn’t work! Because he  never really wanted to in the first place. But no, says Hatch, who proceeds to give him five sad excuses.

He’ll get it right next time.

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